number1loser

i really dig bruce springsteen.
i enjoy tall socks, but not too tall. not above my knees.
this is six years of work: i drew pictures then took photographs then wrote words and here is a very small amount of the total.

ohh so much has happened..i do not even know where to begin, but, as the say, i suppose from the beginning is best..if only i really knew where that was.

(but oh well. here is fine.) my dearest and sweetest friend has left this world. i said good bye to her loving face on december third, two-thousand seven. i know not what to do..she wasn't 'just a horse,' as some like to call her, she was this amazing friend to me. honestly, i'd rather loose some of my closer (human) friends than her. but i did loose her. she is gone, and she took a small part of me with her. i wish i could know that there was some sort of heaven or paradise that i will someday venture to and find her and stay with her forever, but i just can't bring myself to grasp such an idea. i really wish that in my heart i could think such a thing..but i know i am to be forever with out my dearest beans. but perhaps i will meet her in a dream, only for a short time, but a lovely short time it would be.

my dear friend olivia has suffered this holiday as well. her mother has been in the hospital (icu) since the day after christmas, and will most likely never recover, as she may be very brain damaged (they were going to actually take her off of her breathing machine and just let her pass peacefully, but the hospital wanted to give her another week to see if she would make any process). and i've spent a lot of time in the hospital with olivia and her family, as our families have been close for years. hospitals make me very uncomfortable and i feel sort of dizzy and sick just walking into one, let alone being in a room, seeing a woman ive loved dying, leaving behind her family and friends.

i needed to get out this past week, and so i went to see a local band i quite enjoy (ben and bruno, check them out please!) and i saw a few of my friends there, and i was fairly 'out of the circle' and completely ignored by a person whom i had hoped to stay close to for quite some time, and i really miss being all together, i really loved those people. it was not exactly the relief i was hoping for..

this winter has not been a very nice one. but there is nothing i can do. i am without my beautiful bella beane, and my dear olivia may soon be with out her mother. i have gone back to east lansing and started classes today..i must just move on and endure. there is nothing i can do to change anything. oh i truly wish i could! i would give up a part of me to return to things before these losses...i really would! i miss my beans and my friends so so much, it breaks my heart each day. but the things you loose will never be returned to you, you must just try as best you can to live without them and love love love those you still have. love with every thing you have, give all that you can, please, for you can not give your heart or your time to something that no longer exists.

this summer has been just too good. my dear friend and i were running down a sand dune, upon which another dear friend's cottage resided, into lake michigan, and we were literally laughing all the way. suddenly she said something so nice, but i sadly can not bring to mind just how she worded the thought. something about this memory is like an old movie, running happily through grass, laughing, the sun, the sand and the waves crashing..she was right. looking back years from now, we will remember this like a reel of film playing in an old projector, with a golden tint and faded edges, the sound softly muffled, but the feeling of joy completely untouched and pure.

it was an amazing summer, to say the least.